Oprah’s On!

The "O's" Have It!

Who doesn’t love Oprah? I love her just because. And since I love her, I feel it is fully within my right to comment that Oprah is infinitely aware of her influence and power. Most everything she touches turns to gold. She also seems to realize she carries so much clout that her influence can also turn gold to tin. Might this be the case with her endorsement of Barack Obama?

Is it just me, or has anyone noticed how Ms. Winfrey has clearly backed away from openly endorsing Barack Obama recently? I don’t think this is a coincidence. Obama hasn’t been on her show in ever and I can’t remember the last time she mentioned him. She showed up during his California primary campaigning, but since then she’s been ‘incognegro’. I do wish Oprah would openly get back on the Obama bandwagon. Maybe he could appear on an ‘Oprah’s Favorite Things’ show.

What if he did…(insert dream sequence music) what if he did…what if he did….what if…he…did?

Then we might have, Oprah’s Favorite Barack Obama Things.

TAGLINE: When her majesty, Oprah, the ‘queen of daytime,’ mixes her ‘Oprah’s Favorite Things’ show with an endorsement for Barack Obama, what do you get?

MUSIC CUE: “Oprah Winfrey Show” theme plays behind the Oprah title card

LIGHTS UP – Int. Set of The Oprah Winfrey Show – DAY

OPRAH stands behind a counter.

MUSIC FADES

OPRAH

Welcome. Welcome to The Oprah Winfrey Show. We have BARACK OBAMA! Come on out, Barack!

EVERYONE cheers. BARACK enters. EVERYONE cheers more.

OPRAH (cont’d)

I love Barack. You love Barack. Everyone loves Barack. That’s why today’s show is “Oprah’s Favorite Barack Obama Things”!

EVERYONE cheers more.

BARACK OBAMA

I couldn’t ask for better publicity.

OPRAH

I know. I’m Oprah. (beat) Barack, do you want to tell us about this?

OPRAH holds up a man’s sock.

BARACK

Well, I’ve really been hitting the campaign trail hard…

OPRAH

I’ve met Barack at some of his campaign stops and did y’all know Barack changes his socks three times a day?

BARACK

Well, I do stand for change.

EVERYONE chuckles.

BARACK (cont’d)

Actually, Oprah. These are the most comfortable socks made of organic alpaca fiber.

OPRAH

(coyly) You know, Barack. We give things away on Oprah’s Favorite Things.

THE AUDIENCE whispers and murmurs.

BARACK

I’ve heard tale. (confidently) Everyone’s getting a pair of alpaca socks!

OPRAH

Close. Straight from Barack’s sweaty campaign foot–EVERYONE GETS ONE OBAMA ALPACA SOCK! YOU GET A SOCK! AND YOU GET A SOCK! AND YOU GET A SOCK!

EVERYONE goes wild!

BARACK

How’d you get my socks?

OPRAH

I’m Oprah. Okay, next. This is my favorite, favorite thing.

OPRAH holds up an empty jar with a lid.

BARACK

There’s nothing in the jar.

ORPAH

You know, Barack, you’re the first African-American to win the Democratic presidential nomination.

BARACK

I stand on the shoulders of prior hopefuls: Shirley Chisholm…

OPRAH

Yes, people forget she ran for the nomination in 1972.

BARACK

…and we can’t forget Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton…

OPRAH

Well, yes, but unlike those ass-clowns, your shit doesn’t stink, so everyone’s getting BARACK OBAMA FARTS!!!!

EVERYONE loses it! OPRAH takes the lid off the jar and inhales deeply. BARACK smiles nervously.

OPRAH

Okay. Okay. Settle. I know what my audience likes. I’ve been doing this show since 2028.

BARACK

That’s 20 years into the future.

OPRAH

I’m Oprah. Okay. What do we have next?

BARACK

Oprah, I know your audience is mostly women…

OPRAH

Sometimes we have men, but we usually pull them off line and castrate them before they can watch the show. That’s right. All the men you see in the audience are eunuchs.

EVERYONE cheers.

BARACK

I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that…so, because I knew your audience would be interested, I brought along copies of my social policy concerning abortion rights.

OPRAH

Who’d abort a baby by Barack? Don’t y’all think he’s a good-looking man?

EVERYONE cheers.

OPRAH (cont’d)

Everyone gets their own Barack bun in the oven with BARACK OBAMA SEMEN! BRING IT OUT! SPERM! JISM FOR THE WHOLE AUDIENCE!

EVERYONE goes wild clamoring to get turkey basters of jizz…to taste it, smell it. AUDIENCE MEMBER #1 snorts it like blow. AUDIENCE MEMBER #2 lathers it on her face. AUDIENCE MEMBER #3 sticks the baster under her skirt. BARACK struggles with the AUDIENCE to get his semen back.

MUSIC CUE: “Oprah Winfrey Show” Theme

OPRAH (cont’d)

Fabulous! Thanks to my audience and a big thanks to Barack Obama. Join me tomorrow when Oprah will chastise a bunch of folks who Oprah just doesn’t like.

LIGHTS FADE

END

—————–

I can’t help but be irreverent. It’s just a part of who I am, and while I’ve never been one to apologize for my comic irreverence, I really just want to reiterate that I LOVE Oprah and Obama. C’mon now. What do I look like alienating the two biggest HNIC’s in America?

She’s Just So Sassy!

Hocking heavenly household scents

We interrupt our regular programming to bring you the following message from our sponsor: All black women are NOT sassy! There is no sassiness gene divinely bestowed on all black women so please do not be surprised if we run the gamut of personality types. When you see us, please do not say, “go girl” or “work it” to us. And please discontinue the expectation that we’ll give two snaps up, a neck roll and a “Yes, honey,” when you tell us we’re fierce–even though we really are fierce.

Maybe I’m the only one who wonders: does the media perpetuate the sassy reputation of black women? Maybe we should ask that enduring temptress, Jezebel Sandra Clark of 227 fame. Or perhaps, we could examine that erudite ghetto queen, Sapphire Willona Woods from Good Times. But I’d have to say my favorite is the full-figured and fabulous spokesmodel, Mammy The PineSol Lady. You’ve seen her and yes, I’m talking about her. Don’t get me wrong. I love seeing a sistah on television in a regular role, hocking pancake mix wares for the man and getting paid for it, but–

What if the PineSol Lady was the spokesperson for a product with a powerful scent that REALLY spoke to the people?

TAGLINE: The PineSol Lady hocks a product more near and dear to her loins.

Int. Kitchen in a Suburban home – DAY

An attractive WOMAN is cleaning her kitchen. SOUNDS of a football game are heard.The woman pulls out a PineSol look-alike bottle of cleaning stuff. A MAN enters and heads for the fridge. We see the front of the MAN and the back of the WOMAN who lifts her shirt Mardi Gras-style. The MAN is unphased and continues to the fridge.

CUT TO:

The WOMAN’s perturbed face.

CUT TO:

MAN

Hello?!?–Ohio State-Michigan… kick-off in ten. Not even if you were Angelina Jolie.

The WOMAN gives him the finger.

ANGLE ON:

The WOMAN twisting off the cleaning bottle’s cap.

CUT TO:

The MAN stops dead as he catches a whiff.

MAN

Woo!

The MAN drops his beer and passionately grabs the WOMAN. They grope and moan before falling to the floor out of view.

CUT TO:

Int. Bedroom – DAY

The MAN sits up in bed smiling. The WOMAN is a lump under the sheets.

MAN

My God! What on earth…

REVEAL – the plump and sassy PINE SOL LADY pops up naked from under the sheets.

PINE SOL LADY

That’s the powerful punch of my ‘gina, honey.

MAN

What the fu-?

PINE SOL LADY

Wanna go again, sugar?

CUT TO:

GRFX – a silhouette of the PineSol lady squatting over a bottle

COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER (V.O)

That’s right, the makers of Angolan Anal Room Sanitizer now bring you Vagine-Sol. Vagine-Sol is specially formulated for all of your household cleaning duties and extracted from only the sassiest African-American labial folds for the pure, fresh, sassy scent you crave.

Int. Kitchen – CLOSE-UP – Cleaning bottle on the kitchen reads “Vagine-Sol” with a picture of a bushy va-jay-jay underneath it.

COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Vagine-Sol…only the alluring scent from the nether regions of a sassy sister-girl is good enough for all your household duties…

A second bottle of “Vagine-Sol” with a picture of MO’NIQUE appears on the counter with a DING!

COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Now in spicy Mo’Nique!

MONIQUE (V.O)

Hey Professa!

END

Magically (and Equally) Delicious

Green clovers, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes, black equality...

According to product marketing, television programming and general folklore, leprechauns, elves, gnomes, nymphs and fairies are some pretty powerful little people. I mean, fairies have a whole genre of tales about them. And did you see Vanessa Williams rock it as Calypso, the nymph, in the TV movie, The Odyssey? I’ll never understand elves’ blind allegiance to Santa Claus, but I have wondered:

What if what seems to be simple advancements in social and racial equality is really the result of determined efforts on the part of imaginary beings?

For your reading pleasure, I present to you: Equal Rights Imaginary Beings.

TAGLINE: A gnome, a nymph, a fairy and an elf walk into a bar…

Int. A meeting hall – DAY

FAIRY, NYMPH and ELF sit in assembly. GNOME stands at a podium.

GNOME

(tapping his gavel)

Pipe down! The meeting of the Imaginary Beings for Equal Rights is called to order. Please stand to recite our official oath.

ALL

(standing, they sing the following a la the The Awesome Foursome’s roll call from ‘Good Times’ @ 2 minutes, 11 seconds (2:11))

United we stand/

Justice we aid/

We’re tighter than Doug E. Fresh’s high top fade/

We’re…

FAIRY

Fairy…

NYMPH

Nymph…

ELF

Elf…

GNOME

and Gnome

ALL

When everyone’s equal, we’ll all stay home.

They ALL cheer and clap.

GNOME

(tapping his gavel)

Okay. Okay. Shut your pie holes. Elf, read our Imaginary Beings for Equal Rights charter statement.

ELF

(stands)

We, the Imaginary Beings–the stuff of legends, folklore and myth–will use our seemingly imaginary status and powers of invisibility to eliminate injustice and promote equality through anonymous actions carried out in the Enchanted Woods and abroad.

GNOME

Fairy, read the minutes from our last meeting.

FAIRY

(mocking GNOME)

Fairy, read the minutes. Is it so difficult to say please? As if fairies don’t have it hard enough.

NYMPH

You have it hard? Fairy Godmother, the Tooth Fairy, the Blue Fairy–nymphs would kill for that type of publicity.

GNOME

(Tapping his gavel)

Enough. Nymph, zip your trap. Fairy, read the freakin’ minutes.

FAIRY

In our last meeting we discussed recruiting imaginary beings with more muscle. We’ve reached out to Bigfoot, Chupacabra, Tweedle-dee, but not Tweedle-dum, and three child actors whose characters inexplicably vanished from TV sitcoms in the ‘90s. No responses yet.

GNOME

Eff ’em. Elf, read our treasury report.

ELF

I’ve reached out to the leprechaun sector with no luck raising funds.

NYMPH

I hate those lucky charms hacks…Pot o’ gold hoarding…rainbow riding…little green frat boy drunks…all they care about is getting laid.

FAIRY

You would know, Nymphie.

NYMPH

Whatever I know, Fairy, you know twice as well and with knee pads.

FAIRY lunges toward NYMPH to snatch her bald-headed. ELF intervenes.

GNOME

ORDER! (tapping his gavel) Screw the leprechauns. They’re just bitter because we didn’t get behind that purple horseshoes marketing stunt in the eighties. Moving on. We’ll go around the room and share recent deeds committed in the name of equal rights. Elf, have your say and don’t give us any of that Santa Claus crap.

ELF

It took walking through a few walls and… (under his breath, quickly) a little help from Santa…, (then proudly) but I managed to get the Democratic presidential nomination to go to an African-American man.

FAIRY

Well, call me Mrs. Claus.

GNOME

Good work, Elf. (to Fairy) Mrs. Claus. You go.

FAIRY

It took some after hours visits to the Watergate Hotel, but I managed to get the federal government to apologize for slavery and Jim Crow.

GNOME

Good shit, Fairy. Nymph, show us whatcha got.

NYMPH

It’s a small feat, but I pleasured a network executive, convincing him to greenlight Oprah’s new television network.

GNOME

That’s not an accomplishment for equal rights.

FAIRY

Everyone knows Oprah sold her soul when she wheeled that fat onstage wearing her skinny jeans.

NYMPH

You’re just jealous, Fairy. And Gnome, you haven’t done jack for equal rights since Geraldine Ferraro in 1984—TWENTY-FOUR YEARS AGO!!!

ELF and FAIRY gasp.

GNOME

She was the first woman to run for vice-president on a major-party ticket!

FAIRY

Ohhhh, I remember her. She kind of looked like a man.

GNOME

(hysterical)

You can’t talk to me like that! I’m a legacy!! My great grandmother put sawdust in Gandhi’s curry to inspire him to fast. My great grandfather put glue on Rosa Parks bus seat. My uncle Bubbles was at Stonewall… (breaks down, crying) Alas, you’re right, Nymph. I’m an old gnome—just a grumpy, aging white man with a soft spot for minorities due to my own small stature. I couldn’t cast a spell to save a stereotype-free ethnic television drama from mid-season cancellation. I’m half the gnome I used to be.

NYMPH

I…I…I’m sorry Gnome. I…I didn’t mean…

GNOME

Does anyone mean to be cruel? Racist? Unjust? Dog, the Bounty Hunter…Fox News. In the immortal words of that misunderstood poet, Rodney King, “Can we all get along?”

NYMPH

(rises to hug GNOME)

…and stop making it bad for the kids and the old people.

ELF and FAIRY join in and they all hug.

GNOME

(suddenly spry)

Alright. Enough of this sappy crap. Nymph, go stick it up your porcelain ass! Fairy, grow a pair! Elf, that Santa bull is for poo poo diaper babies. Let’s call this meeting adjourned. I’ve got poker with Centaur and the bridge troll from Billy Goat’s Gruff in five and I’ve gotta stop by Puff the Magic Dragon’s first.

END

———–

I guess I’ll have to write another involving the Yeti, Bigfoot and an extra-terrestrial.

EXTRA TIDBIT: 1984 was not only the year Geraldine Ferraro was chosen as the Democratic vice presidential nominee with running mate, Walter Mondale, but also the year General Mills introduced purple horseshoes as one of the tantalizingly yummy marshmallow treats available in Lucky Charms. Useless trivia? I think not.

Separate but Equal

When people actually used water fountains...

I think it’s amazing that when I’m in a room full of non-black liberals and the subject of race comes up, there’s always this sense of shock when I profess, “Discrimination based on race is STILL alive and well.” Maybe we can all use the same toilet and eat at the same restaurants, but when is the last time you were followed around a grocery store in Beverly Hills just because you were SWB? And while I’ve been afforded several opportunities, I’ve had my share of being referenced as, “you know, that black girl…”. What used to enrage me, I now embrace–mostly by wearing my dashiki to work so I can be known as, “you know, that black girl who wears the orange dashiki all the time.” Self-definition is everything!

While I don’t thrive on the reality that Jim Crow, unlawful though it may be, still lives in the hearts of many, I do wonder:

What if discrimination against African-Americans suddenly came to an end?

If you’ve ever worked as a temporary worker in corporate America, you might find irony and agreement in Equal Rights for All…

TAGLINE: When a few simple events eradicate discriminatory practices against African-Americans, who will be hatred’s next target?

MUSIC PLAYS: Wailing gospel singing

TITLE CARD READS: America: The Fight for Equality

NARRATOR (V.O)

We now return to America: The Fight for Equality.

MUSIC OUT

PHOTO OF: BARACK OBAMA DEBATING NEXT TO HILLARY CLINTON

NARRATOR (V.O)

The new millennium ushered in a series of race-defining events for African-Americans…Barack Obama’s Democratic nomination for the presidential candidacy…

PHOTO of: A Dejected Don Imus

NARRATOR (V.O)

…Don Imus as an example of intolerance for racial bigotry…

PHOTO of: mcdonaldland character, Grimace

NARRATOR (V.O)

…and McDonald’s switch to all white meat for its Chicken McNuggets…

PHOTO of: Toothy-grinned African-American children eating chicken McNuggets

NARRATOR (V.O)

…all played a role in a new kind of equality for African-Americans.

CUT TO:

Int. – Johnson Residence – DAY

An old, Southern African-American woman, HATTIE MAE JOHNSON, sits in a rocking chair.

HATTIE MAE

When I heard on the TV there was no more ’scrimination against us I passed out. When I woke up a little white child was hugging me tight ‘round my neck…

NARRATOR (V.O)

With the book closed on racial discrimination, civil rights leaders took position for their next social cause.

CUT TO:

Ext. Capital Hill steps – DAY

JESSE JACKSON stands at a press conference podium.

JESSE JACKSON

I want to thank La Raza…for coming to the plaza/

My brothers and sisters can now stand a bit taller/

I’ll retain my post as big-baller…shot-caller/

Keeping hope alive and changing discriminatory laws/

The temporary worker will be my new cause

CUT TO:

BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO MONTAGE:

A) A GROUP OF TEMPS escorted into a corporate office, flanked by National Guard, surrounded by a pack of angry onlookers waving “Temps Go Home” signs.

NARRATOR (V.O)

Smoldering for a long time, the injustices toward independent consultants, contract, outsourced, offshore, freelance, and temporary workers came to a puss-filled head.

B) A WOMAN has a water cooler jug poured over her head as she sits in her cubicle.

C) A MAN in front of two bathroom doors—one has the word “Temps” scrawled on it; the other legibly reads “Permanent Employees Only”

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Prominent celebrities also rallied in support of temporary workers…Filmmaker, Spike Lee

CUT TO:

Int. Film Editing Room – DAY

SPIKE LEE

I wanted to de-bunk the stereotypes about temporary workers: turning down permanent employment is not a result of inferior intelligence; not all temporary workers are good dancers and; inter-marriage between permanent employees and temp workers is often based in love and not just because temporary workers are well-endowed or because they need medical benefits…

CUT TO:

PHOTO OF:

A BLONDE WOMAN at an office Christmas party wearing a Santa hat and a t-shirt that reads, “I (HEART) TEMPS” as she dances with an AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN wearing a t-shirt that reads, “I (HEART) WHITE WOMEN.”

NARRATOR (V.O)

The temporary rights movement powered on, but was not without its detractors…Political Commentator, Daniel Patrick O’Reilly…

CUT TO:

Ext. Deep in the woods – NIGHT

DANIEL PATRICK O’ REILLY stands holding a lit torch.

DANIEL PATRICK O’REILLY

Allegiance to one corporation is a staple of society. Is this what our forefathers worked for? Children of permanent workers are taking on temp mannerisms and temp language… wearing the temp’s business-casual…listening to their hold music…

NARRATOR (V.O)

The temporary worker’s movement claimed its share of heroes…Temporary Worker and Activist, Fern Parks…

CUT TO:

Int. Corporate office cubicle – DAY

FERN PARKS sits in her cubicle decorated with pictures of Ché Guevara, Martin Luther King, and Sally Field as “Norma Rae”

FERN PARKS

I decided to just show up at TGI Friday’s. I sat at the “perm” table, with my Ultimate Mudslide and jalapeno poppers. They ignored me. A “perm” came up and there were no chairs. They all yelled, “Get up temp-gal!” One of the “perms” spat on me, but I sat there! I just sat there!

CUT TO:

PHOTO Of: FERN PARKS’ mug shot

NARRATOR (V.O)

FERN PARKS was arrested at TGI Fridays that day on indecency charges for defecating on the table in protest…the struggle continued…

CUT TO:

PHOTO MONTAGE:

A) A WOMAN sits at home working in her pajamas and bunny slippers with her laptop and a phone headset.

NARRATOR (V.O)

When we return…the division within the division…on-site temporary workers face-off with their work-from-home counterparts…

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

B) A MAN lounges by the pool on his cell phone with laptop and tropical drink.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

C) A GROUP OF WORKERS in a call center. A slow pan reveals they are shackled to their desks.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

TITLE CARD READS: America: The Fight for Equality

MUSIC PLAYS: Wailing gospel singing

END

—————–

I love you, Ken Burns!

Harriet and Me

Harriet Tubman, c. 1880

As a middle management slave (to the rhythm of getting regular paycheck), I can’t help but think if Harriet Tubman somehow came to the present, she might find a contemporary ally in a young woman working in a cubicle farm on one of America’s finest modern plantations, the corporate office. And while we’re at it, how about an homage to that fine style of television genius, the sitcom. Doesn’t this just beg the question:

What if Harriet Tubman returned to the present to free those in ‘captivity’?

For your consideration…Harriet and Me.

TAGLINE: When Mimi, a corporate drone, receives a visit from the indelible civil rights hero, Harriet Tubman, her life will never be the same.

Int. Corporate Office Cubicle Farm – DAY

MIMI sits working. The fuzzy hair and two eyes of HARRIET TUBMAN peep over the cubicle wall.

HARRIET TUBMAN

Pssst. You want your freedom?

MIMI

(Staring at her monitor)

Oh no. No more Girl Scout cookies. I already bought six boxes of Dosi-Do’s from Kim in Sales.

HARRIET TUBMAN

Psst. The wind blows to the South.

MIMI

(Staring at her monitor)

Yeah, I do smell Barb’s cabbage rolls, but I think I’ll skip the potluck. I’ve got Lean Cuisine.

HARRIET TUBMAN

Pssst.

MIMI

(Angry)

Does no one around here work, but me? This Power Point preso won’t get done by four o’clock with you bugging me!!!

HARRIET TUBMAN appears in MIMI’s cube.

HARRIET TUBMAN

Child, you care ‘bout potlucks and presentations more than your freedom?

MIMI

Harriet Tubman!!?!?!?

HARRIET TUBMAN

Shhh, child. Don’t say my name…

MIMI

I can do a search for you on the Internet…

HARRIET TUBMAN

No, child…

HARRIET grabs MIMI’s hands. MIMI stuggles back.

MIMI

What’s the matter with you, Harriet Tubman!? Stop, Harriet Tubman! Stop!

FIONA, Mimi’s boss, walks up on the tussle. From FIONA’s point-of-view, Mimi is fighting with air.

FIONA

Mimi!? Mimi? What the hell is the matter with you?

SEVERAL CO-WORKERS have gathered.

MIMI

Harriet Tubman won’t let me search for her on the internet. I didn’t know she worked here…

FIONA

Harriet Tubman, Mimi? We’ll talk about this in your performance review next week.

MIMI looks at HARRIET. HARRIET winks at her. MIMI looks at her CO-WORKERS and points.

MIMI

You guys don’t see…Harr-i-et…Tub…(suddenly aware)..I HAVE been working such long hours…going home now….

MIMI grabs her jacket and purse and jets. HARRIET follows.

FADE TO:

Int. MIMI’s Apartment – Kitchen – DAY

HARRIET sits at the kitchen table. MIMI makes espresso.

MIMI

Harriet Tubman, do you want one shot or two?

HARRIET

Good, you got a shotgun. We gonna need it when they ambush…

MIMI

No, Harriet Tubman–one or two shots of espresso in your macchiato?

HARRIET

Child, you need to stop meddlin’ with that. What about your freedom?

MIMI

Um, Harriet Tubman…if this thing is going to work, you need to get with the times. We’re free now.

MIMI puts two coffees on the table and sits.

HARRIET

You call working in that three wall hovel with no chamber pot ‘freedom’?

MIMI

I call you not telling me only I can see you the way to freedom through unemployment!

HARRIET

Blame Nat Turner. That’s his trick. And don’t go thinkin’ you’re so special. Other folk can see me…if I want ‘em to. No matter, child. I’ve never lost a single passenger.

HARRIET takes MIMI in her arms, lays MIMI’s head on her chest. HARRIET hums softly.

HARRIET takes a sip of coffee and spits it out everywhere in distaste.

CUT TO:

MONTAGE:

MUSIC CUE: Guerilla by Gil Scott-Heron

A) Int. MIMI’s apartment – Bathroom – DAY – MIMI shows HARRIET how the toilet flushes and HARRIET shows child-like delight.

B) Ext. MIMI’s backyard – DAY – HARRIET shows MIMI how to cock a shotgun. It backfires into MIMI’s shoulder. MIMI whimpers.

C) Int. MIMI’s apartment – Kitchen – DAY – MIMI shows HARRIET how to make espresso. HARRIET spits coffee all over MIMI.

D) Ext. Woods – DAY – HARRIET takes MIMI into the woods with a blindfold on, leaves MIMI alone to find her way back. MIMI panics. Next, it’s NIGHT in the woods and we see MIMI whimpering in the fetal position with her blindfold still on. HARRIET arrives, swings MIMI over her shoulder and carries her back.

FADE TO:

Int. MIMI’s apartment – Living Room – Day

MUSIC OUT

MIMI enters. She dresses like HARRIET in a long dress and carries an oil lantern. The doorbell rings. MIMI looks through the peephole then makes a face like Rolo’s on this episode of ‘Sanford and Son’
(@ 2 mins, 40 seconds (2:40)) when he sees Fred at his door. MIMI opens the door.

MIMI

Jermaine?

JERMAINE enters.

JERMAINE

What up, girl? I knew you’d finally get with the program and invite your boy to rendez-vous.

HARRIET TUBMAN enters in modern-day, short hootchie skirt and low-cut, bosom-exposing blouse.

MIMI

Where the hell are you going dressed like that, Harriet Tubman?

HARRIET

I have a date with Jermaine.

JERMAINE

Nuh-uh, Grandma. You said MiMi wanted me to come down. Said if I could give her some of that ol’ time Amistad lovin’ she might stop being such a tight ass (he begins gyrating his hips like he’s K-Ci from Jodeci)

MIMI

Harriet Tubman! Jermaine is an octopus–all hands (she fondles her own breasts), and besides, he’s the building super.

JERMAINE

Damn, girl. Why you gotta call a brother out?

MIMI

Harriet Tubman! I know those aren’t my Jimmy Choo’s!

Close up of HARRIET’s club-like, well-worn, dusty feet bursting through Mimi’s sandals. MIMI looks to the heavens with ‘why me’ incredulity. JERMAINE tries to get in a quick round of ‘tuning Tokyo’ on MIMI’s breasts while her defenses are down. MIMI quickly bats JERMAINE’s hand away. HARRIET TUBMAN looks sheepishly and shrugs her shoulders.

END

——————————————-

What? It could happen!