Who doesn’t love Oprah? I love her just because. And since I love her, I feel it is fully within my right to comment that Oprah is infinitely aware of her influence and power. Most everything she touches turns to gold. She also seems to realize she carries so much clout that her influence can also turn gold to tin. Might this be the case with her endorsement of Barack Obama?
Is it just me, or has anyone noticed how Ms. Winfrey has clearly backed away from openly endorsing Barack Obama recently? I don’t think this is a coincidence. Obama hasn’t been on her show in ever and I can’t remember the last time she mentioned him. She showed up during his California primary campaigning, but since then she’s been ‘incognegro’. I do wish Oprah would openly get back on the Obama bandwagon. Maybe he could appear on an ‘Oprah’s Favorite Things’ show.
What if he did…(insert dream sequence music) what if he did…what if he did….what if…he…did?
Then we might have, Oprah’s Favorite Barack Obama Things.
TAGLINE: When her majesty, Oprah, the ‘queen of daytime,’ mixes her ‘Oprah’s Favorite Things’ show with an endorsement for Barack Obama, what do you get?
LIGHTS UP – Int. Set of The Oprah Winfrey Show – DAY
OPRAH stands behind a counter.
Welcome. Welcome to The Oprah Winfrey Show. We have BARACK OBAMA! Come on out, Barack!
EVERYONE cheers. BARACK enters. EVERYONE cheers more.
I love Barack. You love Barack. Everyone loves Barack. That’s why today’s show is “Oprah’s Favorite Barack Obama Things”!
EVERYONE cheers more.
I couldn’t ask for better publicity.
I know. I’m Oprah. (beat) Barack, do you want to tell us about this?
OPRAH holds up a man’s sock.
Well, I’ve really been hitting the campaign trail hard…
I’ve met Barack at some of his campaign stops and did y’all know Barack changes his socks three times a day?
Well, I do stand for change.
Actually, Oprah. These are the most comfortable socks made of organic alpaca fiber.
(coyly) You know, Barack. We give things away on Oprah’s Favorite Things.
THE AUDIENCE whispers and murmurs.
I’ve heard tale. (confidently) Everyone’s getting a pair of alpaca socks!
Close. Straight from Barack’s sweaty campaign foot–EVERYONE GETS ONE OBAMA ALPACA SOCK! YOU GET A SOCK! AND YOU GET A SOCK! AND YOU GET A SOCK!
EVERYONE goes wild!
How’d you get my socks?
I’m Oprah. Okay, next. This is my favorite, favorite thing.
OPRAH holds up an empty jar with a lid.
There’s nothing in the jar.
You know, Barack, you’re the first African-American to win the Democratic presidential nomination.
I stand on the shoulders of prior hopefuls: Shirley Chisholm…
Yes, people forget she ran for the nomination in 1972.
…and we can’t forget Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton…
Well, yes, but unlike those ass-clowns, your shit doesn’t stink, so everyone’s getting BARACK OBAMA FARTS!!!!
EVERYONE loses it! OPRAH takes the lid off the jar and inhales deeply. BARACK smiles nervously.
Okay. Okay. Settle. I know what my audience likes. I’ve been doing this show since 2028.
That’s 20 years into the future.
I’m Oprah. Okay. What do we have next?
Oprah, I know your audience is mostly women…
Sometimes we have men, but we usually pull them off line and castrate them before they can watch the show. That’s right. All the men you see in the audience are eunuchs.
I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that…so, because I knew your audience would be interested, I brought along copies of my social policy concerning abortion rights.
Who’d abort a baby by Barack? Don’t y’all think he’s a good-looking man?
Everyone gets their own Barack bun in the oven with BARACK OBAMA SEMEN! BRING IT OUT! SPERM! JISM FOR THE WHOLE AUDIENCE!
EVERYONE goes wild clamoring to get turkey basters of jizz…to taste it, smell it. AUDIENCE MEMBER #1 snorts it like blow. AUDIENCE MEMBER #2 lathers it on her face. AUDIENCE MEMBER #3 sticks the baster under her skirt. BARACK struggles with the AUDIENCE to get his semen back.
MUSIC CUE: “Oprah Winfrey Show” Theme
Fabulous! Thanks to my audience and a big thanks to Barack Obama. Join me tomorrow when Oprah will chastise a bunch of folks who Oprah just doesn’t like.
I can’t help but be irreverent. It’s just a part of who I am, and while I’ve never been one to apologize for my comic irreverence, I really just want to reiterate that I LOVE Oprah and Obama. C’mon now. What do I look like alienating the two biggest HNIC’s in America?